Dan Makovec’s blog

Thoughts on the future

It’s late at night, and I really should be showering and heading to bed. The weekend’s gone by so quickly!

The weather in Sydney continues to amaze me. Every week we see a spot of rain and think that Summer’s over and the cold weather is here to stay, only to wake up the next morning to beautiful sunshine and clear skies. Of course, it still feels like Summer to us - since we’re used to British Summers now - but for the most part, other people are now wearing long-sleeved shirts and jeans in place of the t-shirts and shorts of a few weeks ago.

Ah, Sydney… what an interesting town. I’m still not sure what to make of it, and am starting to suspect I never will. It’s been over 7 months now since Brian and I packed up our happy home in Turnpike Lane, in Northeastern London. It’s been nearly 6 since we reunited in this strange metropolis on the other side of the world.

There’s still scarcely a day that goes by when I don’t have a momentary flash back to life in England, blinking back a tear for the past. The memories are starting to blur together, but they’re still vivid. Soho. Baron’s Court. Victoria. The Tube. Day clubs. English parks. The Thames. The Gherkin. Canary Wharf. Greenwich. Southbank. Then there are all my friends over there. It’s another world and yet still a part of me that I can’t forget. I still want to return, but have no idea how or when I’ll manage it, or how long for.

Life here is different. The accents are familiar - a throwback to my youth in Adelaide. Occasionally, people from days gone by make a cameo for a day or two, then disappear back to wherever they come from. Everything else here is alien to me. It’s strange to consider that as I’ve got older, I’ve moved into smaller and smaller premises. I remember visiting Ben in Seattle around January ‘04 and seeing his apartment, marveling at the wonders of inner city living and wondering what sort of an existence it would be. Now I’m sharing a much smaller apartment with Brian. It’s a far cry from the comparative mansion we had in the UK, but we’ve made it comfortable enough so that we’re actually going to extend our lease another 6 months until we decide our next move.

Even though Sydney has half the population of London, the people have more of a big-city coldness about them. First impressions count. You’re in or (as is more usually the case) out of the group within the first 30 seconds of meeting it. After 6 months I still can’t claim to have made any real friends here. Socially, things seem to be on the improve over the last couple of weeks. We’re both slowly chipping away at people’s invisible shells of social exclusivity. Neither of us are yet at the level of inviting or being invited round to a house on a Sunday afternoon (or any other time for that matter), but there’s always hope. I find myself continuously analysing my social network, deciding who to work on enhancing my relationships with and who to avoid in an almost clinical fashion.

My one friend from Adelaide, Dave, is returning to the old town next month. While there’s a possibility that Jose may arrive next year, that’s still a long way off. Brian’s doing a bit better - one of his best friends moved here a few years ago and they see quite a bit of each other. He’s had some setbacks, but has gotten over them. I hope I’m strong enough to do the same.

It would be fair to say that I haven’t really enjoyed work the past six months, which considering the amount of time I spend there, has probably darkened my views on life somewhat. The future shows potential though. I’ve been all but handed an upcoming management position starting next month. I’m cautiously optimistic, although not jumping for joy over it. It will mean getting further involved in office politics, something I’ve traditionally shied away from. But counterbalancing this will be the chance for me to learn new skills not directly tied to the IT industry that I’m so rapidly tiring of. There hasn’t been any talk of renumeration as yet, so if all that falls through then I guess I’ll just keep plodding along until something better turns up.

That last sentence reminded me of something I told Brian last week. Since returning to Australia, I have felt an overwhelming lack of drive, ambition or overall direction. I just don’t know what I want to do with myself. For the first time since I can remember, there’s no grand plan. No great event worth looking forward to. No goals to aspire towards. I keep asking myself, in the words of Melvin Udall, what if this is as good as it gets?

I had to stop and think about that last paragraph for a bit. I really admire Brian. Maybe that’s what keeps me attracted to him. Apart from his good looks and his childish antics that keep me smiling, I think the thing that I find so fascinating about him is his drive and determination. He knows what he wants. He doesn’t have the faintest idea how he’s going to get it, but he has the determination to see it through until he achieves it. I believe in his dreams so much that I find I want to make them happen for him as much for myself as for his own happiness. A dangerous position to be in given past experience, but somehow I’ve allowed myself to get absorbed into his world to the point where I can borrow his dreams when I’ve run out of my own. I just wish I had the inspiration to forge my own dreams and aim for them, the way I used to.

Time for bed.

Jose

Jose turned 30 yesterday. Man, everyone’s getting old! I can’t believe we’ve been buddies for 16 years already!

Being the big three-oh and all, I just had to pop down there to see him for dinner (at the Hog’s Breath, where else?) and night of drinking and gambling (they gambled, we all drank), then caught some shut-eye for 2 hours before coming back straight to work. It was good to get down there, although work committments meant I couldn’t even stay a whole day. I’m having difficulty concentrating today, wonder why.

Great flight prices too - $35 each way - plus 20,000 Qcuntass frequent flyer points. I’ve got to use them all up before July, when I’m cancelling my membership and telling them I’m joining Virgin instead, so I’ll probably bounce over there a couple of times in the next few months. I hate Qcuntass. Old planes, unfriendly stewardesses, crap entertainment, and without frequent flyers usually 20% more expensive than virgin.